It all comes back to what?

Every man has a place, in his heart there’s a space,
And the world cant erase his fantasies
Take a ride in the sky, on our ship fantasii
All your dreams will come true, right away

And we will live together, until the twelfth of never
Our voices will ring forever, as one

Every thought is a dream, rushing by in a stream,
Bringing life to our kingdom of doing
Take a ride in the sky, on our ship fantasii
All your dreams will come true, miles away

Our voices will ring together until the twelfth of never,
We all, will live forever, as one

Come see victory, in the land called fantasy
Loving life, a new decree,
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty

Our minds will explore together, old worlds, we conquer, forever
We then, will expand love together, as one

Come to see, victory in a land called fantasy,
Loving life, for you and me, to behold, to your soul is ecstasy
You will find, other kind, that has been in search for you,
Many lives has brought you to
Recognize its your life, now in review
And as you stay for the play, fantasy, has in store for you,
A glowing light will see you through

Its your day, shining day, all your dreams come true
As you glide, in your stride with the wind, as you fly away
Give a smile, from your lips, and say
I am free, yes I’m free, now I’m on my way

- “Fantasy”, by Earth Wind & Fire

I have to work in the morning to get some things done… and I was about to go to sleep. Being the true IT geek that I am, I had to check my email one last time before hopping on what I dare call a futon. Had a new comment about one of my entries… cool! Let me login and approve it – a few clicks later, I’m looking at some other comments that were left about other posts… one of which from an ex that lives in a state to the north. When she gained her ex-status with me, she also earned status on my ignore list because we simply could not talk for more than five minutes without getting into a shouting match. I’m sorry that it comes off as being crude, but when I don’t have my harmonious balance, I will cut throats to get it back. Listen to me now and believe me later. I refuse to sit up and rehash an argument that’s now moot since we aren’t dating anymore. It’s just plain silly.

My point in bringing this up is I decided to see if old girl had been doing any writing of her own… 8 different blogs?

Are you serious?

Perhaps I could be totally self-absorbed and perhaps I need to have the lyrics to Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” up at the top instead – but some of this stuff was DEFINITELY about me.

I would like to reference “It all comes back”, which may or may not be found at http://itallcomesback.blogspot.com/ depending on if she’s still reading my posts or not. For your convenience, I have placed the text in this blog, along with some of my thoughts:

“I have given you more time than I should have already. But I shall give you this one last bit, Through your dishonesty with me and yourself , you caused a great deal of pain. Your dishonesty with me cost me time and heartache, which eventually did come to pass with great results. Your dishonesty with yourself cost you a great friendship, and has cost you relationships and will continue to cost you until you own up to yourself.”

Hmmm… was I dishonest? In hide sight, I think that I was. Prior to our “relationship”, our friendship consisted of her telling me how wonderful I was and how attractive I was, and how absolutely “smitten” she was with me. Did I have the same adoration of her that she had of me? No I didn’t. Was she cute? Absolutely. Was she intelligent? Hell yeah. Was I smitten? Not quite – but I was willing to see where things went and hopefully one day I would share that same feeling.

“I do believe that the dishonesty you used in dealing with me has brought you to the place you find yourself in today. Lonely, alone; a pitiful mess. When you do wrong, especially against those of pure heart, it all comes back. I would love to gloat in your greif and sail joyfully down the river of your tears, but life and love have taught me that it all comes back. I acted without dishonesty and mal intent, and for that I have been greatly rewarded. For you I feel no anger, only pity.”

For this, I also reference my previous post – in particular the part about worrying about keeping up with your friends in terms of car, house, etc. I myself was caught up in thinking about what my friends had and should I marry this woman where I would be financially. During our friendship, she expressed a desire to go to medical school, and wanting to do this and wanting to do that, all of which I thought were great things. Thinking selfishly of course, how nice would it have been with a MD for a wife? (*imitates Damon Wayans* mo money, mo money, MO MONEY!). Thinking about marriage as a financial transaction? Guilty as charged. Dishonest? No worse than reeling me in under those auspices only to tell me that you don't want to do medical school anymore and that I should be making plenty of money soon enough... now who's being dishonest?

“I would love to say, " I told you so". Because on that August afternoon , when you let me lay in tears on your bedroom floor and stepped over me as if I were filth I knew then that your soul was hollow; and tainted. I told you then that your hollow soul would pave the road for your weary heart. You turned to me in disbelief. Yet here and now , after time has passed and your life has become what I told you it would be.”

The way our friendship turned into a relationship was dishonest in itself. My want-to-keep-everything-harmonious-butt accepted the status change from friends to more-than-friends simply to keep the peace. The girl was a hothead. One second, nice, happy, even giddy. The next, watch out for the fire-breathing dragon! Our relationship was one created and consummated by her, I just didn’t have the heart to hurt her feelings that I wasn’t ready to go that route yet. A hollow soul? A soul without a backbone when it came to her is more accurate. Once I asserted myself that “August afternoon” and decided not to crumble under those tears that I fell for once before must have truly been a shock to you. Your “hollow soul” no longer was filled with your agenda. No longer agreeing to just about anything you said including your decision to not pursue medical school anymore – if indeed you wanted to do that at all… hmmm, didn’t Aretha say, “Who’s zoomin who?”

“I might be crazy, I might be the wrong one, but I a seldom wrong.
I wish you peace, I wish you power, I wish you hope.
I don't wish to rejoin lives with you, as I am now complete.
However, to borrow from words of Miss Cealie "Until you do right by me, everything you do is gonna crumble and fail" I wish you no harm as " Everything you done to me, has already been done to you" because it all comes back.”

It can be a dangerous thing to use someone else’s words to express what you’re trying to get across, but it’s also no point in reinventing the wheel. I’m going to borrow from the Piano Man once again as I have so many times in the past…

“You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right”

To reference my previous post once again, I realize my situation, and the decisions I made to get to that situation. Will I harp on it and feel sorry for myself? Absolutely not. Provided I’ve learned from the mistakes I made with you and the others that came before and after you, everything I do ain’t gon’ crumble and fall, Miss Celie… I’s happy with where I am and confident in where I’m going, and I know the difference between being real and what’s fantasy.