You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

"You Learn" - Alanis Morrisette

Well, 2010 is thankfully coming to a close. If I never have a year like this ever again it will be too soon. At this point, it's time to cut my losses, remain silent, move the f#$k on, and let my life speak for itself as a friend of mine so eloquently put it. So as we move into another year, I reflect for the last time (publicly at least) about what will go down as one of the biggest years of my life. One in which I have truly learned a lot about myself, about people around me, and about life itself.

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

Caring what others think about me has led me to doing a lot of biting off more than I can chew... trying to make sure other people are happy is the fastest way to making yourself unhappy. For the record, that perceived "happiness" as determined by the media, our friends, and our material desires is 100% bullshit. Happiness is what you make it - how you live your life and treat others around you will determine your happiness. If you want to be happy, making others around you miserable is definitely the wrong way to achieve that goal. I was walking through the Minneapolis skyway this week and came across a sign that read, "Happiness is a how, not a what. A talent, not an object." I literally sat in front of the window with this sign and read it at least 10 times. Partially because it was my next tweet, but otherwise because I was blown away by the knowledge in that statement. We spend our lives going on about how we're not happy about this and that, and blaming others for our condition, when it's our own fault for not being happy. At the end of the day, no one else can control your happiness but YOU. I can do nothing but get up and do what I need to do that day. If you're not happy with that, it doesn't change the fact that I still need to do what I need to do that day.

Sooo, as I live and learn... letting loose a lot more is definitely on the menu. 2011 is going to start off with the arrival of my nephew to this world, and he will soon find out how off the chain his uncle truly is! My opinion will not be silenced - and I no longer care what you think. Consider yourself warned.

Since it doesn't look like I'm going to get the Christmas cards out in time, consider this your Seasons Greetings - Please have a safe ending to 2010 and I look forward to seeing all of you on the other side! Thanks for reading and putting up with my ish this year!

Hmmm... "Give It To Me Right" - Really?

Okay, okay,
He's got my number and
You can't, you can't
Warn me baby here I am
Either you make the time
Or just forget me

I'm not, I'm not
Tryna run your life
That's why, that's why
I'm nobody's wife
But when I want, when I want it
You gotta be ready

I don't want it all the time,
But when I get it,
I better be satisfied
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
How real it is for me to find
A man who thinks he can
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all
yeah yeah

On time, on time
I expect you to be
Oh my, oh my
Baby in my fantasy
You can't get it right,
Then just forget it

No ways ok
For you to go around
uh uh, today
You better make a touch down
You know what I like,
Won't you accept it

I don't want it all the time,
But when I want it,
You better make me smile
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
If you can't please me,
I know someone who can
Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

This is the real life baby
This is the life that makes me say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahh

This is the real thing baby
When I'm alone I can make me say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahh

I don't want it all the time,
But when I want it
You better make me smile
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
If you can't please me,
I know someone who can
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Give it to me right
Give it to me right

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

"Give It To Me Right" - Melanie Fiona

I think that I have come to the realization that a certain ex-wife of mine doesn't feel obliged to extend some sort of apology to me for wasting two years of my life, and while it disappoints me to no end, it further demonstrates the type of person she is, and I know that she will reap what she has sown.

Since I already had gone through the trouble of finding the lyrics to this song, I will tell you the background on my connection to it, and why it is now on my list of banned songs.

For starters a year ago, I was coerced into using my frequent flyer miles to go to Seattle and visit a good friend of mine for the weekend (another opportunity for her to screw around with this dude). During the trip, I spent most of the time thinking about her and writing her a long winded letter about how I was sorry things have been going the way they were and a bunch of other crap, but more importantly, while hanging out with my friend and his brother and running around in the streets of Seattle, I was given a couple of opportunities to what I now know to "return the favor". Wanting to honor my marriage and my wife, I chose to do the right thing, and had I not, I would be the one vilified by everyone regardless of if my ex-wife's infidelity had ever come out.

What's the connection with this song, you ask? Sorry, I got off on a tangent... this song was pretty popular on the radio around that time, and my ex seemed to walk around humming it or singing along (let's not get into how well she could sing) whenever the song came on... Personally? I have always thought the song lacked any real character, was a bad representation of the song the main melody was sampled from ("The Time of the Season" by The Zombies), and overall didn't speak well for a beautiful black woman starting her musical career.

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Really? Outside of that lyric being yet another microcosm of my failed marriage, I would smack my young daughter if I heard her walking around singing that. Another glowing example of our society being over-sexed and relishing in our own instant gratification. If you can't get what you want right now, keep it moving until you find someone else who will. I will be the first to admit that I listen to things far worse on the quality scale musically, but I have learned to maintain the difference between Reality and Reality TV. Rarely have I kept or truly appreciated anything that was given to me without some hard work or sacrifice. If everything is disposable to you, you become disposable yourself. We are all more than what we can provide for others.

No disrespect to Melanie Fiona - at the end of the day, she did what she needed to do to sell records. Fortunately the CD got better after you skip track 1 - "Give It To Me Right" is officially banned.

A Matter of Trust

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're gonna face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out

This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust

(INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE)

I'm sure you're aware love,
We've both had our share of believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

It's a matter of trust
It's always been a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust

"A Matter of Trust" - Billy Joel

In the middle of the night I woke up from a dream that I was still married... and helping my wife find a hotel to stay at for her "Girl's Night Out"... and in telling her where she could park for the night realized that she parked in the very same parking ramp that I park in every morning for work for one of her evenings with this married man - and I told her to do it. So now every time I pull into this structure at 517 Marquette Avenue in Downtown Minneapolis pictured below, I will have the honor of knowing my marriage was being dishonored just steps away.

So now, not only do I get to drive by the building that they both work in (and probably had relations in the parking lot or in various rooms on that campus) at the edge of downtown every morning, but I also get to park my car at one of the many scenes of the crime that was a marriage between me and her. I continue to wrap my head around the fact that this woman is someone I once trusted everything with.

It makes me wonder what other deceit did she use to perpetuate this show for 492 days... One of her girlfriends that I learned recently got married made the comment to her that she thought I was gay when we reconnected a few years ago... I wonder if she used that as justification to her friends, coworkers, and family to sleep with a married man with 2 kids. Just exactly how deep is this wound? How far down in the rabbit hole will I fall? How many more random people am I going to run into in the streets of Minneapolis are going to tell me that "Had I known you better I would have told you to leave that chick alone" or "Yeah, that chick is crazy - I just didn't know you well enough to say that" ? Really?

I submit to you that trust is fickle. When I moved here, this woman was upset with me for buying a car that made my monthly payments increase by about $150 a month, but was a brand new car with 0% interest, and got me out of a car that I had in effect been paying the same amount per month when you factor in repairs that had been made over the time I owned it. She said to me that "I am going to have a hard time trusting you again" - and I took that challenge seriously. I just wish I had known that mean I should have been questioning my trust of her as well.

I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

Well, Mr. Joel... I definitely got way to close to the fire this time, and probably should be going to the hospital with these 3rd-degree burns I've gotten from this experience. And once again as of this post, I have yet to receive an apology phone call, email, text, letter, or anything. Lesson learned? First and foremost, I think I need to go find another place to park in Downtown Minneapolis. Second, It's always been a matter of trust - don't be afraid to use it again just because you got screwed over by a selfish, self-centered, egotistical, delusional person that somehow can make committing adultery themselves the other person's fault.

Doin' It Again!

Rising up out of the flames like a Phoenix
Straining to carry the weight of my brain like a genius
Knowing I'm sowing seeds, let's see whose thumb is the greenest
If I said I mean it, I did it because I need it
Eat, sleep it or bleed it, write it down and then read it
Asphalt to the cement, your trash talk, delete it
I blast off then lay 'em out like a Tempur-Pedic
It's Black Thought, for certain I'ma win eventually
This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated
The one them underachievers had underestimated
Finally graduated, I'm one of the most hated
Something that's so sacred, nobody gon' take it
Face it, I keep doin' it well
Doin' it sans assistance, just do it yourself
Doin' it below the radar, we doin' it stealth
Doin' it again for Illadelph, yo who else?
We gon' do it again!

"Doin' It Again" - The Roots

This time two years ago, I was starting a new job in Minnesota and starting a new life with a woman that I thought was going to be the mother of my children and my partner in crime for the next 100 years... wow, how wrong was I on that one.

Divorced one year later? Yeah right. Married a cheater? Never - I am a great judge of character. WRONG.

For approximately 492 days, I was married to a complete stranger. A stranger that as of this post has felt perfectly content in not apologizing for sleeping with one of her married co-workers for the entire duration of our marriage. A stranger that had no problem making me go to therapy - pitting me as the bad person that was not giving her what she needed in our relationship. A stranger that had me going to this man's house to party and watch boxing matches. A stranger that told me on our 6-month anniversary that she "was not attracted" to me anymore. A stranger that could not stay with me and my family at my grandmother's funeral because she needed to get back to have an evening alone with her co-worker.

A stranger that simply has no idea how much I loved her at one time. A stranger that apparently didn't appreciate the fact that I walked away from a house that I put over $30,000 into only to allow it to be foreclosed on so that I could pay for more household bills - so she would have more money for hotel visits since I wasn't going out of town enough for them to come back to the house and and have sex in the bed we shared.

A stranger that is either a great actress or entirely screwed up in the head enough to put a guilt trip on me for being on a dating website after we have been separated for 2 months. A stranger that has spent the last two years telling me about my shortcomings and refusing to show any kind of affection yet expected me to be any and everything to her. A stranger that once you get to know her turns out to be a total hypocrite. A stranger that allows me to find out that our marriage was a complete sham on my 34th birthday.

Which brings me to today. I can't imagine being beat on any more than I have been by this woman. I honestly don't think I have the imagination it takes to have come up with this story that has become my life over the past two years. As the lyrics to this song said... and like my hometown that rose from the ashes after General Sherman marched through there back in the 1860's... it's time for your boy to rise. Unlike my ex-wife, I have been sowing seeds of love, honesty, and genuineness.

This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated... The one them underachievers had underestimated - the last week I have spent on the road between Minnesota, North Carolina, and Atlanta I can't tell you how many times I replayed this track and listened to these words... and laugh. I truly wonder if that woman has any idea what she has done by setting these chain of events. In the short term, I would be lying out of my ass if I said that I don't have any ill wishes and feelings towards her. However in the long term I know that isn't healthy and will keep me from getting with where I need to be.

I would love to say that this will be the last post about this topic, but it probably won't. I am tired of dealing with people (myself included) that run away at the first sign of trouble (into the arms of another man is even worse). This has done nothing but prove that even marriage can be temporary - it is certainly proven that marriage is what you put into it. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I was putting into it that created this storyline... but I guess those lessons will remain to be presented to me when I am ready to receive them.

Let's do it again!

Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Who's gonna tell you when... It's too late

Who's gonna tell you things... Aren't so great

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up... When you fall

Who's gonna hang it up... When you call

Who's gonna pay attention... To your dreams

Who's gonna plug their ears... When you scream

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down... When you shake

Who's gonna come around... When you break

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

"Drive" - The Cars

Today marks the day that I return to life as a single man - a day that I never thought I would see... Certainly not 492 days after I stood in that church and said those vows to her. The days of analyzing, trying to figure out what went wrong, and whatever else are over - time to shake hands and move on.

If there is anything that I am going to wonder, it is this:

Who that person is that will fulfill her needs... keep her satisfied, keep her happy.

Certainly no easy task - I am living proof of someone who tried and didn't fair so well.

One day sooner or later I will get back some sense of a normal life without thinking about you, and maybe we can truly be those friends that you say you want us to be.

In the meantime, I truly hope you find someone to drive you home.

I'm officially in another car now.

Nothing Left to Say

When I first heard this song, I thought it was another great song by a group I have come to love over the years. Today as I have realized that I will be soon joining the ranks of the failed marriage statistics in this country, Pandora continues to amaze me playing this song... reminds me of the old Tom Joyner bit "Howdoitknow"... I was brought to tears listening to the words as they almost seemed as if someone was following us around and writing a song about our relationship.

I truly hoped and prayed that our marriage would be able to get past our issues with each other and grow into a thriving relationship. Now that it has become apparent that one has become two again it is my hope that all of our well-wishers for us when we started our life together will remain as enthusiastic as we end our life together.

Other than that, there's nothing left to say.

Love was so strong
At least at the beginning
Who wouldve thought
There'd ever be an ending
We had it all
But it's like we've run into a wall

Now we try to talk
But just end up fighting
Try making up
But there's just no denying
Just ain't the same no more
What are we putting ourselves through all this for

You talk and hear me
But you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
Know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
Blinded by the one you love so deeply
Cause,

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing, nothing left to say

You touched my heart
And were so givin
Spirit so free
You threw me in it
I fell so deep
I could not see my life
Without you in it

Girl you gave me
A lot of attention
Somehow the feeling turned
Into crazy possessive
It was always there
But I didn't look deeper
If I would've I'da seen the limits

You talk and hear me
But you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
Know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
Blinded by the one you love so deeply

I had my pride girl
And you had your pain
So deep inside you
Wanted to have your say
Irritated, frustrated and third baby
This is so confusing
Girl I though this was the one thing for sure

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Wish I had more words
To try and encourage
Us to find a way
Cause there's nothing left to say

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Baby, there's nothing left to say

Consider yourself free...

Dedicated to you know who.

Free, free, set them free

Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

If it's a mirror you want
Just look into my eyes
Or a whipping boy
Someone to despise
Or a prisoner in the dark
Tied up in chains you just can't see
Or a beast in a gilded cage
That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches
So many souls
With everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
You want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

Perception vs. Reality

One of the many truths that my father drilled into my head as a young child was the fact that your perception becomes your reality. Back in elementary school, I had no idea how profound that statement would be in my life years later. Time and time again, my perceptions about life, career, and friends have impacted me for better and for worse.

Your perception about things in your life affects you in countless ways – and turns into a snowball rolling down a hill if left unchecked. As that snowball gets bigger, it collects more of the same. If your perception of the world is that your voice, your time, and your efforts don’t matter, then your reality will be just that – an uninspired, complacent life that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter.

Personally, that’s not the life I want to live. The next great idea starts with one person – that person must have a positive perception so their ideas can become reality.

Insanity

I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
Cause here we are
Back where we were before
Seems nothin' ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we ought to stay
Or head on out the door

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
(Hmm hmmmm)

I was looking up a definition of the word "insanity" and couldn't find the best definition I've ever heard - "to do something over and over again expecting a different result". I am starting to wonder if I am indeed insane. Why, you ask? Well, I think I might be insane because I am a victim of instant gratification. Maybe we all are insane to an extent. Hopefully my case isn't as bad since I have been able to recognize what's going on.

I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
Cause Lord knows we're not gettin' anywhere
Seems we're always blowin'
Whatever we've got goin'
And it seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why the good times never last for long
Where are we goin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we could break through it
If we could just get to it

(Bridge)
Just once
I want to understand.....
Why it always comes back to goodbye
Why
Can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
We're no good without each other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once.....

"Just Once" - Quincy Jones featuring James Ingram

What exactly is your best? If you have given your best to everything you do in life and you still aren't getting where you think you should be, then what does that mean? Isn't there some reserve tank we all sit aside and reserve for that special moment? Why are we saving it? What purpose does it serve besides to remind yourself that you could have done more - especially when you didn't get the desired result. Does that make you insane?

The one constant in life is change. For the good, for the bad, whether we like it or not, things are going to change. How we react to that change is what defines our lives and our legacy in the world. I am sure that I could have made better decisions in my past when those moments of change have come my way, but since I am still here to talk about it, those decisions must not have been that bad. To not embrace change is truly insane.

Just once, I wish that my best was truly everything I have in the tank, and when the time comes to use it, my best will be welcomed with open arms and I won't allow my insanity to take over and hold me back from those goals in life that I am truly ready to move on to.