A Matter of Trust

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're gonna face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out

This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust

(INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE)

I'm sure you're aware love,
We've both had our share of believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

It's a matter of trust
It's always been a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust

"A Matter of Trust" - Billy Joel

In the middle of the night I woke up from a dream that I was still married... and helping my wife find a hotel to stay at for her "Girl's Night Out"... and in telling her where she could park for the night realized that she parked in the very same parking ramp that I park in every morning for work for one of her evenings with this married man - and I told her to do it. So now every time I pull into this structure at 517 Marquette Avenue in Downtown Minneapolis pictured below, I will have the honor of knowing my marriage was being dishonored just steps away.

So now, not only do I get to drive by the building that they both work in (and probably had relations in the parking lot or in various rooms on that campus) at the edge of downtown every morning, but I also get to park my car at one of the many scenes of the crime that was a marriage between me and her. I continue to wrap my head around the fact that this woman is someone I once trusted everything with.

It makes me wonder what other deceit did she use to perpetuate this show for 492 days... One of her girlfriends that I learned recently got married made the comment to her that she thought I was gay when we reconnected a few years ago... I wonder if she used that as justification to her friends, coworkers, and family to sleep with a married man with 2 kids. Just exactly how deep is this wound? How far down in the rabbit hole will I fall? How many more random people am I going to run into in the streets of Minneapolis are going to tell me that "Had I known you better I would have told you to leave that chick alone" or "Yeah, that chick is crazy - I just didn't know you well enough to say that" ? Really?

I submit to you that trust is fickle. When I moved here, this woman was upset with me for buying a car that made my monthly payments increase by about $150 a month, but was a brand new car with 0% interest, and got me out of a car that I had in effect been paying the same amount per month when you factor in repairs that had been made over the time I owned it. She said to me that "I am going to have a hard time trusting you again" - and I took that challenge seriously. I just wish I had known that mean I should have been questioning my trust of her as well.

I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

Well, Mr. Joel... I definitely got way to close to the fire this time, and probably should be going to the hospital with these 3rd-degree burns I've gotten from this experience. And once again as of this post, I have yet to receive an apology phone call, email, text, letter, or anything. Lesson learned? First and foremost, I think I need to go find another place to park in Downtown Minneapolis. Second, It's always been a matter of trust - don't be afraid to use it again just because you got screwed over by a selfish, self-centered, egotistical, delusional person that somehow can make committing adultery themselves the other person's fault.

Doin' It Again!

Rising up out of the flames like a Phoenix
Straining to carry the weight of my brain like a genius
Knowing I'm sowing seeds, let's see whose thumb is the greenest
If I said I mean it, I did it because I need it
Eat, sleep it or bleed it, write it down and then read it
Asphalt to the cement, your trash talk, delete it
I blast off then lay 'em out like a Tempur-Pedic
It's Black Thought, for certain I'ma win eventually
This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated
The one them underachievers had underestimated
Finally graduated, I'm one of the most hated
Something that's so sacred, nobody gon' take it
Face it, I keep doin' it well
Doin' it sans assistance, just do it yourself
Doin' it below the radar, we doin' it stealth
Doin' it again for Illadelph, yo who else?
We gon' do it again!

"Doin' It Again" - The Roots

This time two years ago, I was starting a new job in Minnesota and starting a new life with a woman that I thought was going to be the mother of my children and my partner in crime for the next 100 years... wow, how wrong was I on that one.

Divorced one year later? Yeah right. Married a cheater? Never - I am a great judge of character. WRONG.

For approximately 492 days, I was married to a complete stranger. A stranger that as of this post has felt perfectly content in not apologizing for sleeping with one of her married co-workers for the entire duration of our marriage. A stranger that had no problem making me go to therapy - pitting me as the bad person that was not giving her what she needed in our relationship. A stranger that had me going to this man's house to party and watch boxing matches. A stranger that told me on our 6-month anniversary that she "was not attracted" to me anymore. A stranger that could not stay with me and my family at my grandmother's funeral because she needed to get back to have an evening alone with her co-worker.

A stranger that simply has no idea how much I loved her at one time. A stranger that apparently didn't appreciate the fact that I walked away from a house that I put over $30,000 into only to allow it to be foreclosed on so that I could pay for more household bills - so she would have more money for hotel visits since I wasn't going out of town enough for them to come back to the house and and have sex in the bed we shared.

A stranger that is either a great actress or entirely screwed up in the head enough to put a guilt trip on me for being on a dating website after we have been separated for 2 months. A stranger that has spent the last two years telling me about my shortcomings and refusing to show any kind of affection yet expected me to be any and everything to her. A stranger that once you get to know her turns out to be a total hypocrite. A stranger that allows me to find out that our marriage was a complete sham on my 34th birthday.

Which brings me to today. I can't imagine being beat on any more than I have been by this woman. I honestly don't think I have the imagination it takes to have come up with this story that has become my life over the past two years. As the lyrics to this song said... and like my hometown that rose from the ashes after General Sherman marched through there back in the 1860's... it's time for your boy to rise. Unlike my ex-wife, I have been sowing seeds of love, honesty, and genuineness.

This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated... The one them underachievers had underestimated - the last week I have spent on the road between Minnesota, North Carolina, and Atlanta I can't tell you how many times I replayed this track and listened to these words... and laugh. I truly wonder if that woman has any idea what she has done by setting these chain of events. In the short term, I would be lying out of my ass if I said that I don't have any ill wishes and feelings towards her. However in the long term I know that isn't healthy and will keep me from getting with where I need to be.

I would love to say that this will be the last post about this topic, but it probably won't. I am tired of dealing with people (myself included) that run away at the first sign of trouble (into the arms of another man is even worse). This has done nothing but prove that even marriage can be temporary - it is certainly proven that marriage is what you put into it. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I was putting into it that created this storyline... but I guess those lessons will remain to be presented to me when I am ready to receive them.

Let's do it again!