Doin' It Again!

Rising up out of the flames like a Phoenix
Straining to carry the weight of my brain like a genius
Knowing I'm sowing seeds, let's see whose thumb is the greenest
If I said I mean it, I did it because I need it
Eat, sleep it or bleed it, write it down and then read it
Asphalt to the cement, your trash talk, delete it
I blast off then lay 'em out like a Tempur-Pedic
It's Black Thought, for certain I'ma win eventually
This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated
The one them underachievers had underestimated
Finally graduated, I'm one of the most hated
Something that's so sacred, nobody gon' take it
Face it, I keep doin' it well
Doin' it sans assistance, just do it yourself
Doin' it below the radar, we doin' it stealth
Doin' it again for Illadelph, yo who else?
We gon' do it again!

"Doin' It Again" - The Roots

This time two years ago, I was starting a new job in Minnesota and starting a new life with a woman that I thought was going to be the mother of my children and my partner in crime for the next 100 years... wow, how wrong was I on that one.

Divorced one year later? Yeah right. Married a cheater? Never - I am a great judge of character. WRONG.

For approximately 492 days, I was married to a complete stranger. A stranger that as of this post has felt perfectly content in not apologizing for sleeping with one of her married co-workers for the entire duration of our marriage. A stranger that had no problem making me go to therapy - pitting me as the bad person that was not giving her what she needed in our relationship. A stranger that had me going to this man's house to party and watch boxing matches. A stranger that told me on our 6-month anniversary that she "was not attracted" to me anymore. A stranger that could not stay with me and my family at my grandmother's funeral because she needed to get back to have an evening alone with her co-worker.

A stranger that simply has no idea how much I loved her at one time. A stranger that apparently didn't appreciate the fact that I walked away from a house that I put over $30,000 into only to allow it to be foreclosed on so that I could pay for more household bills - so she would have more money for hotel visits since I wasn't going out of town enough for them to come back to the house and and have sex in the bed we shared.

A stranger that is either a great actress or entirely screwed up in the head enough to put a guilt trip on me for being on a dating website after we have been separated for 2 months. A stranger that has spent the last two years telling me about my shortcomings and refusing to show any kind of affection yet expected me to be any and everything to her. A stranger that once you get to know her turns out to be a total hypocrite. A stranger that allows me to find out that our marriage was a complete sham on my 34th birthday.

Which brings me to today. I can't imagine being beat on any more than I have been by this woman. I honestly don't think I have the imagination it takes to have come up with this story that has become my life over the past two years. As the lyrics to this song said... and like my hometown that rose from the ashes after General Sherman marched through there back in the 1860's... it's time for your boy to rise. Unlike my ex-wife, I have been sowing seeds of love, honesty, and genuineness.

This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated... The one them underachievers had underestimated - the last week I have spent on the road between Minnesota, North Carolina, and Atlanta I can't tell you how many times I replayed this track and listened to these words... and laugh. I truly wonder if that woman has any idea what she has done by setting these chain of events. In the short term, I would be lying out of my ass if I said that I don't have any ill wishes and feelings towards her. However in the long term I know that isn't healthy and will keep me from getting with where I need to be.

I would love to say that this will be the last post about this topic, but it probably won't. I am tired of dealing with people (myself included) that run away at the first sign of trouble (into the arms of another man is even worse). This has done nothing but prove that even marriage can be temporary - it is certainly proven that marriage is what you put into it. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I was putting into it that created this storyline... but I guess those lessons will remain to be presented to me when I am ready to receive them.

Let's do it again!