Insanity

I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
Cause here we are
Back where we were before
Seems nothin' ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we ought to stay
Or head on out the door

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
(Hmm hmmmm)

I was looking up a definition of the word "insanity" and couldn't find the best definition I've ever heard - "to do something over and over again expecting a different result". I am starting to wonder if I am indeed insane. Why, you ask? Well, I think I might be insane because I am a victim of instant gratification. Maybe we all are insane to an extent. Hopefully my case isn't as bad since I have been able to recognize what's going on.

I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
Cause Lord knows we're not gettin' anywhere
Seems we're always blowin'
Whatever we've got goin'
And it seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why the good times never last for long
Where are we goin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we could break through it
If we could just get to it

(Bridge)
Just once
I want to understand.....
Why it always comes back to goodbye
Why
Can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
We're no good without each other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once.....

"Just Once" - Quincy Jones featuring James Ingram

What exactly is your best? If you have given your best to everything you do in life and you still aren't getting where you think you should be, then what does that mean? Isn't there some reserve tank we all sit aside and reserve for that special moment? Why are we saving it? What purpose does it serve besides to remind yourself that you could have done more - especially when you didn't get the desired result. Does that make you insane?

The one constant in life is change. For the good, for the bad, whether we like it or not, things are going to change. How we react to that change is what defines our lives and our legacy in the world. I am sure that I could have made better decisions in my past when those moments of change have come my way, but since I am still here to talk about it, those decisions must not have been that bad. To not embrace change is truly insane.

Just once, I wish that my best was truly everything I have in the tank, and when the time comes to use it, my best will be welcomed with open arms and I won't allow my insanity to take over and hold me back from those goals in life that I am truly ready to move on to.

Call it a Lesson Learned

Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned but I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned so I call it lesson learned
Another lesson learned

- "Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys

First off, let me apologize to those that were actually reading this on a regular basis… I have been going through a lot of things since my last post in which I was moving to Minnesota – some bad, but most of it very good.

My point in writing today isn't to harp about what I have been doing over the past few months – well, not on purpose, at least.

Recently, I have found myself thinking about the past few years – whom I chose to associate with, whom I chose to date, the choices I made in my career… just to name a few topics. Some of those people I decided that I no longer needed to associate with, and some people decided that they no longer wanted to associate with me. Since I recently got engaged, the reaction to that news from certain people has been interesting to say the least.

Those same reactions have made me look back at how I reacted to some people when they told me they were getting married. I was downright nasty to a few people, and now that I understand where they were at that moment, I honestly feel terrible. The day I proposed to my fiancé was one of the most exciting, emotion-filled days I have ever had in my life, and anyone questioning that decision or trying to detract from that feeling (whether done intentionally or not) honestly made me wonder if I needed to stop associating with more people. I am surprised that the people I reacted negatively towards even speak to me now.

"It is easier to forgive and enemy than it is to forgive a friend." – William Blake

This quote has resonated with me for a while – It is so true because when someone close to you betrays you, you are left in your most vulnerable state because you have let your guard down to them. Betrayal is an expectation of your enemy. You are prepared for it. You are keeping on the lookout for it. You are holding your breath in anticipation of it.

That is the last thing you expect someone you consider a friend or a significant other to do. Take advantage of you at your most vulnerable – most comfortable moment. How do you allow someone into that inner circle again once that level of trust is lost? I still don't have the answer to that question, and honestly wonder if I will ever figure it out.

A Life perfect ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's call the past cause I'm getting past and I ain't nothing like I was before
You oughta see me now

Some more wonderful words from Alicia Keys. I look at where I am now – and what I have discovered is that all we are doing in life is preparing for the next friendship, next job, next moment that will continue to define who you are. The internships and various jobs I have had may add up to 4 pages, but all of that experience was necessary to get me to the place where I am now, and understand where I now want to position myself. The women I have dated in the past have helped me to understand that I should never compromise on what I wanted in a wife. Everyone that has shaped the story that is my life I owe a huge thanks.

Those experiences that have made me mad, made me cry, made me laugh, and most importantly, made me think are indeed the experiences that let me know that I am ready to take the next step.

In the past, I was of the opinion that I needed to have all of my ducks in a row before I took on anyone else's ducks, but the problem is every time you line up your ducks, another one comes along and screws everything up.

At some point, everything comes together and you realize what you want, and then the Creator will lead you to those things – you ultimately have to take that leap of faith and understand that everything that has happened to you in the past is in the past and you went through it and are stronger because of it.

Call it a lesson learned.

Lies... lies... using lies as alibis
Lies... lies... just a devil in disguise

It's the same game
Played in so many ways
Everyone is the victim too
It's just a waste of time
Made for simple minds
So why do people insist on lies

I'll give my life a different way
Refuse to let myself become a victim
Getting caught you in a vicious web of lies, they can hurt you (lies)
And destroy you, you watch out for lies, just a devil in disguise

Chorus

The nations leaders as well as teachers
Practice lies as a way of life (yes they do)
So think before you speak
Cause what you sow you reap

The truth will always come to light
Will we ever learn one day
That telling lies always bring to matters
Misery and sometimes pain

Chorus x4

Rap
Lies and deceit
Yes its running real rampant
Communities suffering, yo I cant stand it
When we think of lies we tend to think of politicians
But what about the husband whos on a mission
Lying to his wife so he can get it on and get some
Coming back home with a dumb expression
Written on a face that hes guilty as a criminal
Its time to change your attitude
People do you hear me, don't listen
To a funky rhyme thats kickin' knowledge that we need
We lie about our hair
And we know we got a weave
Politicians lie about the things they're gonna do
And everybody's tale affects me and you
A smoker lies about the money that he stole
And a dope dealer never tells you how he got his gold
I guess what Debbie T. is really trying to say
When you break it all down were all the same

I'll live my life a different way
Refuse to let myself be caught up
In a vicious web of lies...

"Lies" - EnVogue

It never ceases to amaze me how people feel like they need to impress me or gain acceptance from me by being dishonest. Do I appear so much larger than life to people that they have to misrepresent themselves to the point of incredulity? Sure, we all have things about ourselves that we don't want to be public knowledge, but let's be real for a moment.

The second you start lying, it becomes a never-ending cycle until you 'fess up or get caught. Maybe there should be a required ethics class starting back in middle school... you know people aren't finishing High School these days, so you need to get it in a bit earlier. What exactly does one gain out of lying anyway? Does it support your delusion of grandeur? Does it make you think someone will trust you more? Is that trust based on your lie supposed to just keep on rolling when you're caught in that lie? Should you be offended when you are on the opposite end of the lie?

To me, it's simply too much to have to think about. I really don't have time to keep up with what I told who, etc... it's not worth it. It's not even worth my time anymore to sit down and recount the most recent tales - but suffice it to say that I'm tired of the crap. BE HONEST PEOPLE!!!

...and by the way, they should have never let Dawn leave the group.